I‘m sorry

I just can’t. Not any more.

I can’t keep trying.

I can’t keep fighting. I don’t have the strength.

I wish I was capable of more, but I just don’t have anything left to give.

I wish I could be strong like you, but I’m not.


You died on the cross, willingly, bravely, marching straight towards your persecutors.

You allowed them to mock you and beat you and eventually kill you. Though you did no wrong.

You took the hardships of the world and the sins of man and even the sins of men and women yet to be born.

You put those sins on your back and bore them…for me.


But you are God.

I am not God, I do not have your strength. I do not have your power or courage or assurance of the coming of the Lord.

Well, I suppose I do…or at least am supposed to.

You say “All power in heaven and earth has been given to me” and you command us to go forth in your name.

You command me.

You say I can call on the name of the Lord, you say you sent your Spirit to take care of me.

Sometimes I just can’t feel it, Lord.


But the disciples did.

Your people who were with you…at least more of the time.

They saw your courage and self-sacrifice and they reflected it so well.

They picked up their cross and followed you.

They sunk deep into the muck and mire and served the lowest of mankind.

They marched bravely towards lions, singing. Singing.

They did not give up.


But they knew you, face to face.

The were allowed to see your glory face to face as you rose into heaven.

They saw your works and your miracles.

Even Saul who never knew you in life was blinded by your light.


What do I have?

What do I have?

What do I have?


What do I have to assure me?

Light? Glory? Seeing your works, your miracles, your power.


The answer is yes. Yes I do.

In your word, I have the light of life.

Your word which turns darkness into light.

I have stories of all you did inspiring me and encouraging me.

I have stories of your followers who continued to work in your name.

People who I can relate to when I struggle to relate to you.

Even before you came to Earth the first time, your servant said “In the cover of your presence you hide those who fear you and take refuge in you from the plots of men, you store them in your shelter from the strife of tongues.”


That is me.

I am your servant. I am your brother, a child of God.

You tell me I am loved.

So I am.

That is the only assurance I need.

I am loved.


I am loved.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.



Mathijs Arens

Mathijs Arens

Mathijs D. Arens is from San Francisco, California and currently works for The Salvation Army in Glendale. Mathijs graduated from UC Berkeley in  2014 with his Bachelor’s degree in Anthropology. He enjoys acting, writing, and singing in public.